My Son the Pornographer : Comments

Reviews

My Son the Pornographer was recently voted 5th most popular film (out of 197) at the 2009 Victoria Film Festival. Audiences gave the film an average rating of 4.75 out of 5. To read other reviews, follow these links:

Comments

My Son the Pornographer was a surprisingly heart-warming documentary that profoundly exposed the complex relationship between father-son and a troubled past resurfaced. I really enjoyed experiencing a sliver of Prague through the life and experiences of Kole and found the dialogue between characters in the film to be very touching. There are many layers to this film and I highly recommend seeing it.

by Jocelyn Mandryk, September 26, 2008
Great documentary. Very personal.

by Emrys Miller, September 27, 2008
The Trailer is fabulous!!! It totally grabbed me, and I can’t wait to see the movie.
Kudos to you!
Maria

by maria coffey, October 13, 2008
All I can say really is WOW. Watching that brought me back in time about 20 years. I remember meeting your dad Strangely makes me want to see you and give you a big hug.

XOX

by angela, November 23, 2008
wow - it takes a lot to open your heart up to the world like that. i bet the documentary will be amazing. good luck with it! by the way - your hair looks pretty!

by shannon, November 23, 2008
Looks like an interesting film. Will there be screenings anywhere else, California or France by chance.

by Danielle, November 24, 2008
trailer is great, friend… looking forward to see the movie. p.s. nice shirt at homepage photo

by небојша, November 24, 2008
Wow! great trailer… makes me wanna c the movie!
how did it go at the premiere?
is it possible to see the movie if u live in sweden by any chance?
Good luck with it!
x
ps.love the hair!.ds

by Elin, November 24, 2008
Love the trailer, any way to see the movie in Australia? Doesn’t look like you’ve changed a bit darling. mwah.

by Samantha, November 25, 2008
I like the trailer so far and I am interested in seeing the movie.

by Charvonne, November 30, 2008
hey from 2003 - 2006 my only job was working in porn . mostly in vancouver but a little in LA as well .. i was pretty honest with my father about this thinking he wouldn’t care since he has tons of porno mags around the house himself…my current longterm girlfriend is someone i met in the industry… behind my back my father constintly cuts me down talking to my sister about his issues with me and porn and my choice of a girlfriend and what not… i still dabble in porn even though it isn’t my only job at the moment … i fell that i have lost abit of my ability of expression and creativity since i am not making movies as much as b4 and feel that i need to find a way to get back into and persue my passions again… this summer while down in LA dabbling in some porn work my father had said some stuff regarding my choices and cut my girlfriend and me down .. this pissed me off so much that he still couldn’t accept at the verry least if not support the decisions i make as careere choices or artistic freedoms and also the relationships that i have taken away from these experiances that i felt hurt enough to not to talk to him sice july of 2008… even though i haven’t seen this film yet i can conect with the topic and issues that you percent .. i look foward to seeing this documentry.. ps not every one in the industry has sexual abuse storys and i do feel that this is a stereo type and a misconception.. but i dont condem you for taking his angle for characterization .. later corey bucks

by corey bucks, January 17, 2009
Way to go Kole…..great idea… Let me know how I can see film… trailer was great…. Jan from Pink

by Jan, January 19, 2009
Hey, Corey. It’s heartening to see that you can identify with this so closely, from my point of view…kind of an ‘I’m not in this alone’ reassurance. I hope that, eventually, you can work things out with your father. Just know that the problem isn’t with you, it’s with him…in this case. My opinions on the pros and cons of working in the industry are legion, and this isn’t the forum in which I should get into such detail, but things are what they are and I would think your father would be man enough to accept and adapt to that, or at least have a frank, open discussion about it.

But, really, I wanted to address your comment about the sexual abuse ‘angle’. Primarily, it’s not an angle. And this isn’t an expose(can’t be bothered to find the proper diacritics) into the world of porn. The focus of the film is the relationship between my father and myself. And, like it or not, sexual abuse is a part of my story (not at his hands, by the way). At no point do I presume to present myself as ‘the face of porn’, nor do I imply that my story is a template. It is what it is.
It’s true. Most of the people I worked with over the years, as far as I could glean, havent been scarred by anything so traumatic. By and large, they were just kinda dumb and wanted quick cash. I dont know what the American industry is like, but I’m guessing its pretty similar…
Having said that, porn is a pretty dark business, and it does draw people with sordid pasts. If they aren’t damaged when they get into it, they certainly are by the time they get out, if nothing other than being judged by their friends and families when they get ‘outed’. The negative stigma attached to porn is still pretty powerful, even in these ‘celebrity porn’ days.

Thanks for listening.

If you’re not having fun, it’s not worth doing.
-Kole-

by Kole, January 19, 2009
Just home from seeing MSTP at the Victoria Film Festival. I actually went to see the accompanying doc “The Red Jacket” but am very glad I stayed. Brilliantly sad and funny, a bit like life, really. Congratulations to all involved, especially Kole - your courage and obvious intelligence will take you far in whatever field you choose (or drift into - I have a son who has the same “6 month max in one place” philosophy, so I can identify). Glad to see it’s on CBC this week, I will be recommending it to a lot of people.

by Phil Cottrell, February 6, 2009
Phenomenal film. Kole and Art are truly brave to share their relationship with us, the audience. This is a beautiful documentary full of extraordinary moments. Thank you for allowing us to witness this part of your lives.

by Rebecca Dawson, February 6, 2009
This is a wonderful film. Kole, I admire your courage and your strength. You and Art put yourselves in a very vulnerable place and it is wonderful that you are both so willing to share that with others with such humour and honesty. I think you’re an amazing guy and believe that you will be successful no matter what you do.

All the best to you, Kole,
and thank you for sharing your story.

Pippa

by pippa, February 7, 2009
Dear Art

What a wonderful night at the movies that was!! We experienced the most moving and generous movie experience of many years, for me. It was good theatre; good filming; very moving, both Linda and I cried, very funny. All in all it got two big fives from both of us.

What was Monday thinking of?

And, bravo to Michael Reid for setting us straight, as it were.

And well done, Kole. Don’t think about (forget, gay, etc. just think about me.) What a journey in human experience.

Needless to say, I’m over the top.

Love and big hugs,
Barbara

by Art, February 7, 2009
Dear Kole,

If long, loud and sustained applause is an indicator, things went very well last night at the Victoria Film Festival. I was especially moved by two women who came up afterwards. One came up to give me a hug (you’ll understand the importance of that when you see the film) even as she revealed the abuse she had sustained. Another came up to compliment me, breaking into tears as she did and as she revealed how much the documentary meant to her because she, too, had been abused. It was clear the film touched them, and others, deeply.

There was lots of laughter and you could hear the proverbial pin drop during the emotional scenes. People really got it.

I’m sorry you weren’t here. I think you would have gotten a standing ovation for what you offered to the film - you life, your vulnerability, your perceptions. I was very proud of what you did.

Love, Dad

by Art, February 7, 2009
How does a bird find a worm? Does it not feel the vibration? If we are vibrating, how do we absolve ourselves? If I were to be consumed by a bird, how would I survive? Once consumed, what are my options? Would I point to the bird or point to myself? I am being reguritated to feed the babies. Would it not mean that I have a responsibility to metaphosisize into something other than food. If I were food, I can see how I would feed the children. But what authority do I have on this? Children have more authority on love than I do. So what is my responsibility? In this film, I see that that the child has more authority than the father. What is Art’s responsibility? He has a child that is showing him the way, the child has consumed the responsibility of being abused. That is beautiful to me, it is absolved of guilt and justice. (The predator has his own story that he must wrestle with - no one can make that happen for him. Being called out will not change the predator’s process - we have to know that). So how do I call myself out? I know I am predator of pain. I know I am capable of afflicting pain on others (not physically, but mentally). “Keep moving - dont get bored”, is a process of pain on others, as well as myself. So, if I were to expose myself on the surface of the earth to be consumed and regurated - where is my control? Art, your awkwardness is beautiful to me. Your control is out of your realm - but how do you move now? Your answer is to feed your child, for it is your only control. But there has be other options. If pain is deep, love is deep. If pain is deeper, love is deeper. How do we manage this relationship?

by janice, February 7, 2009
As Art’s sister and Kole’s aunt, I have two observations:
1. Art is characterized as coming from a conservative home and I don’t think that is accurate. The reviewer mentions our father was a New England Puritan, which he was indeed by heritage (he was not a “priest”), but he was not “judgmental” in the ways that are suggested by the review, especially around sexual issues. Art’s family (i.e., mine) is quite liberal, well-educated, and openminded on most issues in a “live and let live” sort of way. Where we get rattled is around issues of injury to self and others. I haven’t seen the whole film yet and look forward to seeing how these things are addressed.
2. In the teaser, Kole suggests that Art abandoned him for 15 years and only came back to him to do a video. That seems a little unfair. While Art is obviously wrenched by not knowing of Kole’s abuse, he has always loved Kole and tried to stay connected to him to the extent possible after the relationship with Kole’s mother ended. It is no wonder that Art did not know quite what to say at that point.

by An aunt's comment, February 7, 2009
Hey, auntie (I presume you prefer to remain nameless) The abandonment comment was a playful jab, and was not an attack at all (hence the laughter).
Dad is my dad, and has been since I first called him dad, as far as I’m concerned. I get the feeling that what you’re not saying is that he has no responsibility for me, and I understand that, and agree with that. And, for that, I am forever grateful to him. He has been the only shining light in many of my darker moments, much to the chagrin of his wife, I’m sure, who had to endure my late night collect phone calls.
I have a lot of nasty things to say about a lot of people, but I could never imagine me saying anything bad about my dad.
As an extension to that, I appreciate your family for helping to make my dad into who he is. And weird or not, I consider you my family. Its just what I know.
I hope you don’t think I resent him or attempted to show him in a bad light, because that was surely not my intention.
I love my dad.

by kole, February 7, 2009
Good!

by An aunt's comment, February 7, 2009
Hey kole

Great movie, i saw it last night and it was amazing. It really touched me deep down. I hope you find your path in life, and i wish you the best.

Cheers

P.S.: JC Sonogod, nice.

by Anon, February 7, 2009
Dear Deb, (there, you are outed by name! :-)) I agree with you on much of what you said. Well educated, liberal in political views, etc. But I don’t agree about the judgmental part regarding our father, at least regarding sex. I don’t propose to debate this in a public forum but, at least in that regard, your experience of our father was different from mine.

Love,Art

by Art, February 8, 2009
Peter - thank you for this creative, sensitive masterpiece

Art - thank you for the depth, honesty and vulnerability - keep hugging - it’s very good for all involved.

Kole - thank you for your bravery, honesty, humour and raw sensitivity. You are a superstar. Telling this story is very healing for so many people. I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. I filed the police report and there were many unexpected gifts from that action. Firstly, my perpetrator was stopped in his tracks. Secondly, so many other people then felt safe to come forward and tell their stories - even other victims of my abuser. Finally, it was great to get it off my chest and “file” it with the authorities. I did a 1.5 hr video statement - much easier than writing the story.

Pornography was used in my abuse and because of that, I was very nervous about seeing this film. In the end, it was incredibly healing for me. Kole, you are very lucky to have Art as a parent. Perhaps he could have done some things differently, but he loves you and he owns his own responsiblity for not protecting you. That alone, must feel good. Thank you again for sharing. Many, many blessings and keep hugging Art!
best,
Kathryn

by Kathryn Molloy, February 8, 2009
just to follow up - I don’t believe Art was responsible to “protect” you, but isn’t wonderful that he feels that responsiblity?
hugs,
Kathryn

by Kathryn Molloy, February 8, 2009
I met Kole on a bus to Kingston once. We sat together and chatted. I can’t wait to see this documentary tonight!!

by Shirlee, February 10, 2009
Hey great film guys. Very inspirational and real.

I have a question, are you of punjabi heritage. I saw you were wearing a kara in the film (steel braclet used as symbolism of strength and a reminder to do good worn by Sikhs). I also noticed your sister’s name is Manjit.

Hope you all the best!

by Canadian, February 10, 2009
I just saw the movie and was glad I decided to tune in to The Lens.
Your stories are a credit to the human spirit. Kole’s resilience is admirable and Art’s love for his son is deeply touching
I was drawn to this film because I admired Art’s quest, through this documentary, to help Kole deal with his past.
But in the end, I thought it was really compelling that Kole ended up helping Art just as much. (Case in point: hugging!)

Much love, luck and happiness to you both!

by Moops, February 11, 2009
I just watched this movie/documentary on CBC tonight and all I have to say about it is that I think it was amazing and very touching. I think we can all understand and relate to Kole and Art’s experience…every one of us will always want to seek acceptance and love from someone in this world who really cares and not be alone. The way the story was told just really reached out to me and touched me and I think you guys did an awesome job, so kudos to you all. Kole, I’m really glad that you found your happy ending to the crappy chapter of you life. And I give my best and sincerest wishes to you two, and I hope things are still working out and getting even better.

PS: If there any way that this movie/documentary is available anywhere else? Like downloads, re-airs, can be bought, etc. Cause it would be nice to watch a heart-warming thing like this or show it to others from time to time.

by Ivan, February 11, 2009
I have been crying for the past hour as I watched “My Son the Pornographer”. Why? Because this story parallels my own history in many ways. I am an adult Victim/Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse myself, I am a filmaker and I too have had a very difficult time with life. My story began 40 years ago but I did not tell my family until 9 years ago as I was too burdened by guilt and shame. It was only after hitting rock bottom in my life that I realized I had to seek help or it was going to kill me long before my time. I sought help by way of counselling, psychotherapy and a lot of reading. I cried so much because Kole has the help and support of Art, his (step) father but by the time I had told my father he was too old to deal with it and has since passed away. This abuser stole my life and relationship with my father for most of my life and only in the final years were we able to have some understanding and for him to get some perspective on why my behavior when I was young was very destructive. I struggle still on a daily basis to find happiness within and actually in the past 3 days was once again contemplating ending my life. I once again decided against this as that would let my abuser off the hook and I have many things to be thankful for and to live for. In my case my counsellors urged me to go after my abuser through the courts, which I began the process of doing 18 months ago. For me this is something I have to do both to be cathartic for me and also to bring this predator to justice. It has always been an additional source of guilt for me that I may not have been the only one and there may still be current and new victims of this pedofile. The astonishing statistics that I discovered in my own research was that if there was one victim of a pedofile, there can be as many as over 800!! It has taken me a very long time, a lot of soul searching and courage to go to the police and tell my story. My abuser was very well known to myself and my family and has no where to hide, he is still alive, well off and I found his house myself. His day is at hand and he is going to be arrested very soon according to the detectives, on a Friday night so he can get a taste of jail over a weekend as a pedofile before he can use his money to get bail. I understand Kole’s pain and his self loathing that he carries, I carry it myself. The movie “Good Will Hunting” for me broke the dam so to speak when I watched the scene where the victim was told “It wasn’t your fault”. For me that was a watershed in my thinking and my beginning of the healing process which I still struggle with daily. I am a proud father and very protective of my own child but realise I cannot be there all the time. Thank goodness she has made it to young womanhood without any trauma. I also understand Art’s perspective and his own guilt about not being able to protect his son, as parents we cannot be with our children all of the time to protect them from these sick and twisted predators. I applaud Art’s efforts to save his son and to help him find help and happiness in his life. This is also my struggle. One of my counsellors a few years ago told me that I should be in the lineup as the Mayor of Toronto annually hands out medals to citizens for acts of bravery just because I am still alive, that made me cry too. I am not a criminal or a drug abuse or alchohol victim although I have struggled with both in my lifetime and I am not an abuser. I am still here and so is Kole. I wish him, Art, their family and all victims of childhood abuse all the best in their search for happiness. Thank you for this film Art, I hope I get to see the next film you produce (with the help of your son), I wish I had had the chance to do the same with my own father.

by Edward, February 11, 2009
Where to start…

Firstly, above all, Kole, heal yourself. This is your life challenge, until this is overcome, you will never be truly free, truly Kole. This abuse was not your fault, and not your Dad’s fault. You have specific questions like “why did I go back” that need to be worked through over time. The question implies that you are guilty to some degree…which logically you know is not true, but emotionally must be resolved.

Everyone else, love and accept Kole. He has been abused, and needs to know that his friends and family love him, unconditionally. Accept him. He is not his industry. Do not put your perceptions of the porn industry ahead of helping Kole heal. If you do that, shame on you.

Our society puts WAY too much emphasis and judgment on what someone does, rather than taking the time to learn who someone is. Its a bit of a human brain limitation, because the brain likes to put things into categories and make associations to quickly file information. Kole is a son. Kole is a brother. Far ahead of whichever industry Kole works in.

I work in the porn industry as well. You’d be surprised how many people make money from the porn industry. Google makes a fortune. Yahoo too. Toshiba, HP, Sony. I bet your mutual funds hold stocks of companies that financially benefit from the porn industry. So that means you make money from the porn industry too. And that’s ok. You may even enjoy watching porn. Many people do. That’s ok too.

From my 8 years experience with the porn industry I am keenly aware that the stickiness/attraction of the industry is not about the porn. Its about the challenges, the adrenaline of dynamic business, and about the good financial rewards. I have a commerce degree and have worked in many industries. The porn industry is by far the most rewarding I have worked in both financially as well as to develop my business skills.

Also, I do not feel that the industry degrades women. On the contrary, I believe it removes females’ sexual power within a relationship, and ultimately makes men choose female mates for loftier characteristics beyond their appearance…after all men can see “hot” women on the internet 24/7…its boring now…women need to be more attractive in a less obvious way now (ie, funny, fun, witty, intelligent, etc.)

Ultimately I believe in our justice system. I am not a judge. I have seen many judges, and I can assure you that they are exceptionally bright people. I fully respect the laws of Canada. Simply put, adult entertainment is legal. That tells me that the majority of people in our society are ok with porn…even if they won’t say so, because it is/was taboo.

If porn can help make millions of people happy, and it is produced legally (that goes without saying) then I think overall humanity is better off. If it becomes an addiction then sure it has the potential to wreck lives. So does Aspartame. Moderation is key to life.

Ultimately Kole, work where your heart is, because that is where you will have the most success, personally and financially. If its in the porn industry, work in the porn industry. And know that many people change careers several times. So if one day your heart is no longer in the porn industry then switch to another industry. But don’t switch because people have a problem with you working in the porn industry. Switch when/if you’re done with the porn industry.

Nobody is the industry they work in. When you die, the industry will move on just fine without you. But you are the only you. When you die, you are gone forever. Heal yourself Kole, and don’t take any shit from anyone.

trevorgillies@hotmail.com
victoria, bc

Porn is also great at reducing sex as a marketing carrot in mainstream advertising.

by Trevor Gillies, February 11, 2009
While watching this documentary last night I was moved by the openness shared between Kohl and Art. Parental relationships are not always so open and as a step-child myself, that world too can be a challenge.
Thank you for sharing a very personal side to the struggle in you both for mutual love, respect and family.

by Belinda Cobb, February 11, 2009
Thank you for this movie filled with honesty. I seems that Kole you are a great artist who hasn’t found the right media to express yourself with all the colours you have in you. I hope you can see life for what it can be and not only for what it has been and find a way to make some sense of this crazy and unfair world. Experience it all, but maybe not with your hair, peircings or porn so much any more (but that might be the mom in me talking
Take care, may the strengh be with you.

by Jeraldine, February 11, 2009
Kole, all I have to say is amazing. When we met on the bus you really opened my eyes to a lot of things. When we were talking you made me realize I wasn’t living my life and for that I thank you.
Every since you told me about this docu I have been looking on CBC every day to see if it was on.
Watching this was extreamly touching and it was good to see your face
You are amazing and I knew that the day I met you on the bus:)

I hope you are well.

All the best!
xoxox
Shirlee

by Shirlee, February 11, 2009
amazingggg documantry. Very very eye oppening. I need Kole’s email address. Please!

by Elnaz, February 11, 2009
Having sons of my own and seeing the journey taken by you and your father… I can only hope that I might have that same bond with my sons that you and your father have come to know. The bravery of you both to live, seek peace and challenge the unfairness that life can dole out to the unsuspecting; is admirable. May you both reach a point in your paths that offer times of solitude and reward. Your story is real, biting and inspirational.

by Tim, May 26, 2009
Kole and Art,

I watched this on CBC the other night and I cannot express how much the film touched me.

Kole - you are incredibly brave, intelligent, and… funny!

Art - I am in awe of your generosity, kindness, and compassion.

You are both amazing people who are lucky to have each other. Treasure one another.

by Samantha, May 29, 2009
Well I’ll be damned… Geez Kole, when we formed “Stolen Youth” back in high school, you weren’t kidding… It takes some serious balls to expose yourself and your demons to the world - good for you. From the reviews I have read, it sounds like you and your father have done something pretty special.

I just wish CBC would air this again so that I could see more than the trailer and a short synopsis.

Matt

by Matt, September 22, 2009
hi
i sorry i beg to differ, i LOVE porn however i dont want to see the fellas son shooting this, and showing off these women in this genre for TV. this is painfully clear by listening to the script in the show. this show is nothing but a load of nonsense and some guy who is trying to make a career out of porn.
we understand you but you are one in a million…… you really are one in a million……..we dont care about you and your family we only care about your porn. get a grip….

by matt, October 29, 2009
I am in Australia and just watched your doco, thank you. I work in a sexual assualt service for women with developmental disabilites and I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself. I work in an industry designed to help women who have experienced sexual assualt; either historically or recently. But there are so few services for men… and part of that is because men don’t disclose.

You speaking out so bravely, so honestly is fantastic. Not only for your own healing, but for other men, who may see someone who they can identify with and maybe they might reach out or tell someone about their experiences (and begin to heal). I appluad you and Art.

One way I have managed my pain(I saw in your eyes a reflection of my own pain at times) is with art and journaling, but I think you are much braver - it is much easier for me behind an abstract image or quip.

http://www.tjlinds.com

Hoping you find peace in your heart…

by TJ Linds, October 29, 2009
Thank you so much for making this film. It frankly discusses an issue that is still discussed in hushed tones, rarely treated in feature film and only covered in news articles and sensationalist talk shows. Kole’s situation and his life are addressed with dignity and openmindedness. I am a 45-year old female “survivor” of sexual abuse by my mother’s boyfriend and even though I feel I have dealt with my anger, it is still even now coming up in my life, so it is really wonderful to see someone like me projected on the screen. (No, I am not a pornographer, I am a lesbian and a computer nerd. I don’t have a punk hairdo, but I still can relate; there are other ways of being a rebel.) I really appreciate the risks everyone took in making this film.

by hermi, November 12, 2009
I am awestruck at the impact of your documentary. The realistic, bumbling, and desparate efforts by this father are immensely relatable, and for any person over 55, who is consciously, or unconsiously wanting to own and act on what they know or think they know - it is a resonating bell of truth and pain. Kudos
Lillian

by Lillian Klassen, June 14, 2010